Ultimate Experience

Ultimate Experience

Where I’m from, 10million Naira is a lot of money. But after my Gulder Ultimate experience, I have come to believe that it is a LOT MORE money where some other people are from. I mean, I used to think I desperately needed money and fame, but there are thousands of people who need it more desperately.

I’ve been registering for the GUS show since I became eligible in the 3rd season, and they’ve been inviting me for the screening, but something always came up. This year though, there was no reasonable excuse because I was on holiday. Right now, as I type this piece from my bed, in pains, I wish I was reasonable enough to stay at home.

I thought I had muscles, until I got to the Dan Anyiam Stadium on the 28th of August 2013. See crowd; crowd of bouncers and practicing athletes. If not for the fact that I actually traveled all the way to Owerri for the screening I would have turned back. Well, that and the fact that I have a big ego. Anyways, I went in, changed into my sport kits and sat down on the pitch like others, awaiting my turn on the marathon.

So many things look very easy on TV. You see people doing it and you say, “piece of cake, I can do this too”. Well, news flash guys; competitive MARATHONS are deadly. Especially if you’ve been sitting at home doing nothing but eat, sleep, read, write and get fat, like I’d been doing.

Gulder Ultimate Search

Each group ran in 20s and depending on how competitive they are, everyone in a group could proceed to the next stage. Sometimes though, the slowest ones were dropped. The aim was just to see how fit everyone was. Coming first didn’t matter. But coming last could.

Anyways, when others were running I was laughing at those who were far behind. I called them lazy goats. If they couldn’t run ordinary 2 laps – 800meters, why register for Gulder Ultimate Search? Well, my turn was coming. And finally, it came.

When the whistle went off, I hustled my way to the front. I was leading. I felt fly. All these kids aint got nothing on me. Well, when we rounded the first bend, I decided to slow down a bit. I mean, what’s the rush? One person passed me, then two, then three, then …. After the first lap I was in the tenth position. By the time we got to 500meters I’d lost count of all the people who had passed me. After running about 600meters, I started hearing angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus. Brethren I was dying. Then a voice started asking me to just stop and lie down for a while, just a little while. The wonderful voice told me it wasn’t a do or die affair, I should just stop and crawl away from it all. I paused a little, looked back, saw four guys far behind me, muttered ‘hope dey’ and trudged on. One of them eventually passed me before we got to the finish line. I barely made it because the last three guys behind me were evicted from the competition.

Chydee.com, chidi okereke, Gulder Ultimate Search

The next drill was ‘squats’: Deadly squats. The first set was stopped after 3mins, 20 seconds. You need to see people’s legs dancing makosa. I couldn’t even laugh my head off because I was too tired from the marathon and I knew it was going to be my turn soon. I mean, some people who topped their group in the marathon couldn’t do the squat. How could I that came 17th do it? How? See how people were collapsing and screaming Jesus’ name up and down … my mind cut. Well, my turn finally came – the last set. They put the girls in front and put us behind them. The whistle went off and we squatted. It wasn’t so bad at first. Till we hit two minutes. I thought it was a joke when my legs started vibrating. My legs have never vibrated like that before. I started thinking about very abstract things: thermodynamics, bole, roasted fish, Tonto Dike’s music and finally the love of my life. That helped, till it didn’t anymore. Then this guy in front of me (God bless his soul) started making small swinging motions. I copied him and it worked. Whenever I felt a bit relieved I stopped and when I felt like giving up I started those motions.

Front, back, left, right, people were just collapsing but I was having a ball, a terrible one though. After about 4minutes, the remaining girls were asked to stand easy. I started praying. The swinging motions were not even helping anymore. People around kept collapsing but I stayed. Prayed. And…mercifully, the whistle went off, after five plus minutes. I was the only person who didn’t collapse immediately. I did a few stretches and tried walking away like a boss. Thank God the camera didn’t catch me when my feet buckled and I fell.

On to the next drill – different variations of ‘picking the ball’. Heartland FC had an NPL football match against Kano Pillars so we were moved to the stadium’s handball court. I knew it was a bad idea the moment I stepped into that court. The main pitch was covered with the same material used in covering race tracks, while the surrounding was rough coal-tarred. The balls were placed in front of the perimeter brick-wall and the aim of the game was to race across, pick a ball and return to where you started. The fastest runners were selected. When it got to a few groups before mine, a different variation was introduced. 12 balls were dropped while 20 of them had to race across and try to pick one. Only those who picked a ball qualified for the next round.

Chydee.com, chidi okereke, Gulder Ultimate SearchWell, I finally lined up. To hasten things up, 5 balls were added to the 12 and 6 guys joined us. 26 macho men; 17 balls …Tu Face’s ‘Ihe ge me’ started playing in my head. I wasn’t scared though. I may not be good with marathons but short sprints are my thing. And the distance to the wall was approximately 60 meters. The whistle went off and we charged. Of cause I was in front of the guys around me. My eyes were set on the blue ball and when I finally got there, I grabbed it with joy. That was when it happened.

You wouldn’t appreciate what I’m going to say if you’ve never been hit by a vehicle before. I had the ball firmly in my grip when about 4 bodies slammed into mine, American football style. I was later told that the sound my head made when it impacted the wall was heard at the other end of the pitch. For about 10 seconds I didn’t know where I was. The disorientation was total. When I came round, the race was over and my precious blue ball was not in my hand. I shook the nausea off and strolled straight to the medical-van, close to where the ‘winners’ were assembled. Normally, those who didn’t qualify were ushered out immediately so they won’t blend in with the winners. It was like magic when nobody stopped me. I just got to the doctor and said, “my head”. He said he heard the sound too and gave me an ice-pack to press it with. He collected cotton-wool and started cleaning my knee. That was when I even noticed I was seriously bleeding there. I was just praying I hadn’t gotten a concussion.

Anyways, after a while I felt better. I was supposed to immediately go carry my bag and go back home, but … I majestically strolled to where the ‘winners’ queued up to register their names and collect tags for the next round. Again nobody stopped me. I registered my name and collected my tag. I was in the next round.

Err….don’t call me a cheat please. I had the ball in my hand before I was battered so it was only fair that I proceeded to the next round … on merit. I mean, I couldn’t even chew anything that night because the left part of my head was swollen. How could I have suffered all that pain for nothing?

Chydee.com, chidi okereke, Gulder Ultimate Search

The next day was swimming. Long story short, we swam in fours. I came second and the ‘fish’ who came first (may thunder fire him very well) qualified for the next round. That’s where my Search ended. The idiots didn’t even allow me use the changing room. They asked me to leave the pool premises with only my trunks on. I had to change at the parking lot. Truly, nobody gives a damn about you when you’re not successful. But God will judge them anyway.

So many people have been consoling me and telling me next year will be better. I keep telling them I’m done. I have an engineering degree and in a few months I’d be done with NYSC. There has to be easier ways to make money men. GUS is not for me.

Later guys, the ‘wicked’ Ogoni woman that has been massaging my body has come.






66 responses to “Ultimate Experience”

  1. Abu Shehu Avatar
    Abu Shehu

    That was quite an experience. Don’t mind them you did well. Just bear it in mind that ‘NOTHING COMES EASY’.

    1. chydee Avatar

      LOL. Thank you jare

      1.  Avatar

        Just another mad cow like the few friends I have. May you never be healed in J…’ Name!

    1. chydee Avatar

      *smiling again*

  2. Twitch Avatar

    Seriously man, you’ll qualify next year. Don’t give up on your dream of becoming rich and famous. Remember “Get rich or die trying”???? Well, the most important part here is “…DIE TRYING.” You didn’t die this year, maybe you will next year…Hehe.

    1. chydee Avatar

      LMAOOO!!! Louis stop am o. Why you no go na? Aboki

  3. Kopa Solomon Udoh Avatar
    Kopa Solomon Udoh

    Kopa chidi, always bear dis in mind dat nothing gud comes easy.

  4. Simon Agwoni Avatar
    Simon Agwoni

    Chydee pls,…”my ribs!” this your own don pass “get rich or die trying” if u go next year u ar just tryin to die 4 fame & money

    1. chydee Avatar

      LMAOOO. That’s why I said I’m not going again na

  5. Febechi Avatar

    Hahahahahha…Lwkmo! Wot an expernce. Hahhah…! Chidi na u do ursef, u 4go all d wyle dey v bn inviting u by now u 4 don knw d tasks & tactics. Anyways, kudos I wish u d best nxt year *winks*

  6. Monica Avatar

    Hilarious! Sorry thou!

  7. Uju Avatar

    OMG I love this…Good work

  8. Jamen Avatar

    Eiyaah. Hahahahaha. E go better

  9. Fidelia Avatar

    Oh my God! Is dis hw it is, and am going for d Lagos creening 2moro, God help M̶̲̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ to make it. My story will not end like dis one oh!

  10. Lionezz Avatar

    LOOOOOOOOOOL………thank God u didn’t die on us, try again next year bro

  11. Dupe Avatar

    This is hilarious, i can’t stop laughing.

  12. Dupe Avatar

    This is sooooooo funny, i can’t stop laughing.

  13. Emeka Obagha Avatar
    Emeka Obagha

    Just cant stop laughing. It reminds me of Air force recruitment I went for 3years ago.

  14. madera Avatar

    I almost choked with laughter when I got to the ‘Tonto Dike’ part, so funny. You knw ur experience @ the Guilder Ultimate Search (GUS) is similar to that of a friend of mine who had all of us picking empty cans for him to participate. He even told his Girl Friend in yankee to watch out for his name on the internet when the competition starts proper.
    He got the ‘ruddest shock of his life’ according to him. They where simply asked to jog round the field but to his dis-believe, he saw everyone run as fast as the could, some even faster than usain bolt! In a bid not to be the last person on the field, he tried to catch up, cupped a groin, and that was the end of his search. Since then me sef no dey try apply at all.

  15. mjay Avatar

    OMG chidi eh sorry thank God u gat ur life bro ,no worries God is on ur side,and nxt year wen u go u shall be qualified *winks* hugs and kisses

  16. Psychologeekal Avatar

    Hahahahahahaha….dis piece almost killed me wit laughter, my ribs presently aches terribly!!!! Sorry abt the pain, twld b long gone in no tym at all…only d memories wld linger on…..lovely blog, twas worth reading…@psychologeekal

  17.  Avatar

    A wonderful piece there, admire your courage and enthusiasm.lmao

  18. Omosexy Avatar

    Chydee really made my day wit dis,ve olmost died of laffta here!Chai!u didn’t cheat u only played smart buh am so sorry for d pain @ least Tonto’s album wld ve helped

  19. Send Bulk sms at 70 Kobo Avatar

    Great Piece Bro!!! Thumbs up!!! I love the engagement

  20. Kizzie Avatar

    Lmao…. Sorry bro, making it in life ain’t easy at all. Atleast u got a story 2 tell. Nice piece though.

  21. segzy Avatar

    wow,chidi,pls dnt kill me wit laugh dnt worh.next year wil b beta.dnt give up,remember “nfin gud cums easy”

  22. vee Avatar

    Super hilarious!

  23. babyadachi Avatar

    My belle don tear for hia. Chidi pele. Thank God I got their text message really late. Four minutes ahead of their scheduled time of 8:00am this morning. Don’t mind them, they’re yeye people.

    We won’t Die Trying. Nna, truly, some people actuali need the money more o.

  24. chastity Avatar

    Hahahaha! Pls when she’s done, tell the +goni woman that I’ll need be needing her to massage my ribs as well. This piece left them aching terribly. Lol! Wow! Really nice one…

  25. donald Avatar

    God make you bigger……and don’t give up brother

  26. Mozees Avatar

    Dude you have a way with words… Beautiful piece here. Really enjoyed it.

  27. Barbara Chuwang Avatar
    Barbara Chuwang

    LMAOOOOOO!!!!! What an experience!! Look on d bright side; atleast u didn’t lose any teeth in d process….. Or an eye 😀

  28. lubbie Avatar

    Dis ur story is so funny nd interesting…
    I ws expecting a call up frm GUS after I applied about 3weeks ago cuz I tld everyone who cared to listen dt I ws goin for GUS. I only heard ystday dt pple had been shortlisted nd I ws surprised. Bt as I dino get in I felt its just my luck. It will only gimme time to perfect my swimming cuz for d physically fit part, dts my thing. Thnkz for sharing your experience…

  29. Seyi Avatar

    I love your write up. I love your construct; i was glued to it.
    I’m also happy for you that when those “Goliathic” piles of body rammed you:
    1. your eyes didn’t buldge out . . .
    2. you didn’t end up in coma . . .

  30. DOFT Avatar

    Awww, tnk God yu ar safe n sound. A great xperience tho. God hlp yu!

  31. josh Avatar

    Really funny piece. Your write-up is engaging, riveting, easy to follow & with a tinge of wicked humour. Penned like a master story-teller. At least as GUS no work, u fit get time face blogging abi ? Kudos

  32. virtuous Avatar

    U’re good….. Like so good; an engineer dah knws hw 2 write….. So rare.

  33. josh Avatar

    Guy, gimme ur twitter handle jare. U deserve to be followed

  34. chigozie Avatar

    bro u doin so gr8 kip up d gud work.. Luv ur wryt upz

  35. chigozie Avatar

    bro u doin so gr8 kip up d gud work.. Luv ur wryt upz. Nice

  36. Chiamaka Avatar

    wow …this is wow!!!

  37. lexi Avatar

    I laffed til i had cough..abeg gimme ur twitter handle

  38.  Avatar

    Lolzzzzz…,vewi nice piece…enjoyed it

  39. gbenga Avatar

    Nice one …keep it up

  40. seaka247 Avatar

    Chydee no go kill person o…..chai

  41. Zita Avatar

    What an experience……

  42. veraXtee Avatar

    This is really an interesting story.

  43. Adeyinka Oguntubo Avatar
    Adeyinka Oguntubo

    Bob, no be U wan be Ultimate Man???

  44. maureen martins Avatar
    maureen martins

    Lol I hv been laughing since I started reading ur article. Its so funny, since u didn’t make it in gus, u could try writing, u article aint bad @ all. A few touches and its very good. But bros wetin send u go gus audition, must u make money and then break all ur bones

  45. Ifeoluwa Avatar


  46. Bisola Avatar

    Funny bt interesting article.U can make it by using ur pen n nt necessarily by using ur muscles.keep it up

  47. Leke Avatar

    LWKMD…….one of d best

  48. jane Avatar

    Wow. A very nice one Chydee. Its all good

  49. rahym ray Avatar
    rahym ray

    Very intresting and funny, laFFing Out Loud

  50. Eve Avatar

    Sorry Darling, go for BBA Audition!

  51. Troy Chainz Avatar
    Troy Chainz

    Haha! man, you’re funny.^_^

  52. Rumau Avatar

    Even though I cannot help the hilarious scenes of the sad experience; but I must tell you – you were and you are still brave
    #writing #events #backoff
    You Are Brave

  53. wilson Avatar

    You were just urself!!! Brave and smart!!!! Funny tho!!!! Just be you!!! Not only gus does it!!!!

  54. stanley Avatar

    Wow! This is funny and at the same time not…cos these trainings and stuff with the “competitors” aint funny at all_ I wanted to go for that stuff cos of the money oh_mind u when I said wanted, I was planning on registering this year buh I kinda changed my mind abeg… Bros! You try abeg…

  55. aderinwale ayodeji Avatar
    aderinwale ayodeji

    The expression was made real . Well done , you killed it so much

  56. diamondarl Avatar


  57. goochie Avatar

    mehn…so pathetic but even more hilarious.I almost peed on me..

  58.  Avatar

    Well written piece.. maybe there’s a future for u in writing…u never know how life brings out ur inner talents. very interesting piece. Captivating all the way

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